Archive | February 2013

Ugh! Not Better!

I don’t feel like I’m living through a depressed haze today, but definitely some of my saddest thoughts are coming up.  I look at a picture of a friend and me from a specific time in my life when a bad relationship of mine had ended, and even though this picture isn’t of or related to the relationship partner except that it’s on the college campus we both were on, it reminds me of him!  That’s all I need.  A reminder of someone who took it upon himself to ruin my life.  That might sound dramatic, and maybe it is, but he was highly manipulative, emotionally abusive, and let me go at the end of the school a year ago very easily after I let him cross a lot of boundaries I didn’t want to cross.  You may say, well, stupid you…YOU have control over your boundaries.  Sure, but not exactly when I’m depressed and highly anxious, unmedicated for those problems, and in an unhealthy and controlling relationship.  It just makes me so sad how I fell apart under his foot.  And of course, this sadness is what I’m thinking about now.  Really?  Really!?  I hope I learn to someday control this.  Until then…



Hello Depression, Not Nice To See You

Well, it seems that I’ve fallen back into my depression.  Just for today.  How terrible!  Nothing has changed.  I haven’t done anything different.  It just came back.  How rude, depression!  How rude of you!  I started to remember all the sad and frustrating things about the past year.  I felt very lonely, isolated, and angry.  I felt like I wanted to be alone; I didn’t want to interact with anyone.  Everything bothered me.  I gained a real attitude.  There’s sort of been a haze over the passage of time.

I’m just finishing up my period, so shouldn’t this stuff be going away!?  It seemed, once early evening had hit, that there had been a dark pallor over the whole day…I thought it was because I had been applying to jobs all day.  I realize now, though, that it’s because I fell into a depression starting at the beginning of the day.  Has this happened to anyone?  Seemingly out of the blue?

It’s now nighttime…just a few hours ago, I was falling asleep on the couch, completely exhausted, feeling paranoid being alone, and having terrible dreams.  What awful feelings!  Please, Universal Powers, help me come out of this by tomorrow!  Please don’t make my dreams a Hellish nightmare.  I’ve started taking my medication at night, so perhaps that’s made a difference?  I just took it, so hopefully I will start to feel better.

Wish me the best of luck.




As someone who’s experienced a form of dating violence, this is serious and not fun! Keep a look out for it and keep yourselves safe! Education is power! 🙂

Wanted: Mature Men

I’ve realized the mark of a mature man lately, and I must say that I need more of these men in my life.  Wow.  I love maturity.  This is great.  Okay.  That’s really all.  Some mature women would be great, too, but since Valentine’s Day is coming up soon and I am primarily attracted to men, I might as well make them my focus for now.  🙂



My Life Is Anything But Sexy Right Now

I was talking to my psychologist the other day about how un-sexy my life is right now.  I have a cocktail of pills to take for a mental illness.  I need to be around food in order to take some of those pills.  I take a multivitamin and fish oil every day.  Annnd I’ve been falling asleep at around 10 p.m. every night.  This does not really fit the stereotype of a mildly attractive 23 year-old, I must say.

Oh well…I’m taking care of myself.  So, whomever I attract in this position, they must be my real friends…because they’re able to deal with and support the on-her-way-to-being-healthy (insert “uncool”) me…the me who can’t go out partying or do anything too spontaneous.  Hopefully someone flocks around me!  🙂

❤ Alex

The Dreaded Premenstral Syndrome

I must ask, for people with uteri (the plural of uterus) and ovaries and depression and anxiety, do your depression and/or anxiety symptoms get worse near your period?

Mine have and do.  It used to be very bad when I was only on one anti-depressant.  Now that I’m on a cocktail and birth control, it’s not too bad.  I’m going to start doing cardio exercise again, and may consider switching birth controls after another month to see what can help rid me of the slight anxiety and depression that come around this time.  My loneliness, sadness, and worry seem to escalate.

Thank you for any insight you can offer,


Why Am I Awake!? Or, I Wish Calling the Pharmacist Was Actually Like This

Hello My Fellow Bloggers,

Yikes!  I am awake right now and it is 4:39 a.m.  Let me tell you, there isn’t much going on here.  It’s quiet, dark, quiet…yeah.  That’s pretty much it.  This is one of the many times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night recently, without being able to fall back asleep for a couple of hours.  Sleep often comes after the consumption of some small meal–tonight, it was chocolate cake without frosting, applesauce, and water.  With those lovely foods churning around in my stomach, I hope to fall asleep soon.

I must say, this waking up in the middle of the night business is starting to bother me, yes.  It’s not on my last nerve, but it’s not on my first, either.  Soooo, I called the pharmacist.  Who else is there to talk to this early in the morning!?  Your ex-boyfriend three time zones behind you!?  Aw, hell no!  Lol.  But…in all seriousness (or partial seriousness), I called the pharmacist to ask about the medications I was on, namely trazodone and Abilify.  That’s right you guys, you’re the culprits!  (talking to t and A, of course).  Anyway, it turns out that I’ll try taking the Abilify at night instead of the morning, blah, blah, blah.  Probably the best part of my conversation with the pharmacist was her asking me if I’d be able to get back to sleep tonight…I said, yes, probably, after I eat some food (which, as I said earlier, I’ve already done).  We had talked about why Abilify causes you to gain weight during our conversation, and so she proclaimed through a cheerful laugh, “Well, that’s what’s making you gain weight!  Eating in the middle of the night!”  Haha, funny, lady.  What time is it?  No.

Haha.  Anyway, when writing a post first became an idea about 20 minutes ago, I thought I would write a lie about talking to the pharmacist and having an outrageously unprofessional conversation.  This apparently long-lost idea accounts for the semi-subtitle.  I apologize for my brain choosing not to traverse that path.  I’m sure my wits would have killed it!  😉  By the way, I deal in both sarcasm and Deadpan humor.  I tend to watch SNL a lot and enjoy it quite a bit.

Peace and Sleep to All…and Much Love,


P.S. There must be a deer foraging in my side yard.

Life Is Cool

If I’ve learned anything since starting this blog, it’s that I’m not alone in suffering from mental illness or in experiencing sexual assault; and I’m not the only one writing about it.  Tonight, because I don’t have much else to post, I’m thankful for that.

Peace out, homies.


My Computer Is My Only Friend

Sometimes, it feels like my computer is my only friend.  I’ve even cuddled/hugged it before.  It is my connection to other people, since most of my friends are a computer or phone away.  I also have tended to isolate myself from actual human connection, so yeah, that accounts for this feeling, too.  But also, in the middle of the night, or any other time I’m feeling lonely, my computer and the refresh button on my web browser (used mostly for my e-mail inbox and Facebook page) are my only friends.  Or, again, it feels that way.  I guess there are some people I could call or something, but I don’t want to call them.  Call me a whiney child, but this is how I feel.  I think it’s more an effect of depression than me pouting.  I think there are many instances of feeling isolated when you’re dealing with or trying to come out of a depression.  I think it’s just par for the course, unfortunately.  But I await the day, and am excited for it, though also nervous about it, when my computer is not and does not need to be my best or only friend.  That will feel mighty good.  Amen said the people!


In the Middle of the Night

Things are so lonely in the middle of the night…at least in my house.  I’ve been waking up somewhere around 4 a.m. for the past few days, unable to go to sleep for a few hours.  It’s frustrating to be awake at this time…I feel vaguely hungry, lonely, sad, and anxious.  Why am I awake!?  I have been taking Trazodone, an anti-depressant often prescribed to help patients sleep.  Maybe I need to up my dosage.  It’s just stupid.  I live with my parents.  I guess, if I lived with other people my age at college, some crazy person would be up right now finishing a homework assignment or something (not to condone that sort of behavior).  And my eyes keep watering, like I’m crying.  Jeez!  I’m a hot mess.  Lol.

For the past few days, I’ve felt kind of lonely.  I’ve felt like, “Where are all my friends!?”  “Why aren’t they checking up on me or talking to me!?”  I feel this way sometimes.  I might feel this way right now because I had scheduled a trip up to my old college last weekend and my plans fell through.  I was very excited to visit, and when it did finally fall through, I cried for a while.  I think I’ve really been missing people my age (I don’t see many around here…deep connections have been hard to find), and so to miss out on a weekend full of connections was almost devastating to me.  Anyway, my hope is to visit this following weekend.  I want people in my life.  Right now. I guess I’ll wait a couple days, though it won’t be easy.  Thanks for listening.