Do You Ever Wonder?

You wait

And you wait

And you see what’s coming

And you grab for it

And it’s scary

You hold on so tight

Don’t want to lose it

Your tight grip hurts…

Your heart

You sleep

You wake

You wonder

You sleep

You wake

You wonder

Why does it hurt so badly?

Is it wrong?

Is it right?

Are YOU wrong?

Are YOU right?

Who’s right?

It hurts

You cry

You’re tense

You slit your throat

And let the anxiety drain out

Out falls your brain

You weep

You sleep

Hey! Thank God for Vibrators and Bra Extenders!: Diary of a Woman

Sooo, I haven’t written in a while. Stuff’s been…interesting. I now have a boyfriend who doesn’t treat me like shit…though, I’m still testing whether this will be something long-term or not. I am working at a Home Depot store. Not my dream job…by any stretch…but not altogether horrible. I do LOVE the people I work with (for the most part). I’ve been taking lamictal/lamotrigine for a bit now. I think the dose got too high recently, though, because shit started to get weird. I’ve halved the dose, but stuff is still weird and I feel kind of depressed today. Yea for returning to the old days! Bitches! (I used that as a swear word). I think I’ve just got to wait this mood out, hope that my boyfriend does something cute for me because I feel like crap today, and know that, if I wait this out, things will get better on their own. Relaaaxxxxx. The good thing is that I am off work today and tomorrow and have a short day on Thursday. The weekend may be rough (because I have longer shifts), but I have hope. I’ve got to take care of myself in these times. Unfortunately, I’m in the midst of a search for a sex therapist (one to help me move on from a domestic violence situation, an emotional one), but they’re all so damn expensive and I’m kind of short on cash. Naturally, my shitty insurance company doesn’t cover them. Annnndd, to top it all off, my regular psychologist is out of town for a while 😦 Life. Is. Okay.

But, anyway, on the bright side, my fellow bloggers and friends (?), I recently bought my first vibrator. Orgasms, anyone? I’d like some. I hear they improve your mood (if only temporarily). Plus, seeing as my boyfriend is thousands of miles away in a place called California, we have a bit of a problem with…uh…intimacy. Other good news: I’ve gained some weight over the past half a year from new meds (I assume) and bra extenders are awesome. I have all these nice bras and I was really getting worried I’d have to buy new ones. But NO! Somebody invented the bra extender and I can live the life I’ve always dreamed! Hah. If I could, I’d go braless everywhere…but general society frowns upon that…and I think I’d be getting way too many dates at Home Depot.

Alright,

Love and Peace,
Alex