So wow. Hey. I haven’t spoken to you all in a looonnngggg time. I’ve been back in school and shit has seriously been crazy. I can’t even explain it to you. Failed relationships, failed medications, (basically) failed classes…it has been chaos. I’ve been struggling seriously with getting over my (apparent) PTSD symptoms from being in an emotionally abusive relationship over a year and a half ago. And currently (why I’m writing), I feel super anxious and super lonely. I just started taking natural sleeping meds instead of all the other ones I’ve been prescribed and they haven’t been so successful…not the like the ones I was being prescribed were either. Insomnia is SERIOUSLY the worst! Maybe not as bad as depression and anxiety, and abuse…but it’s up there! God, what I would give to get some fucking sleep! It’s just been super hard the past few months. REALLY hard. And, unfortunately, things don’t seem to be getting substantially better. Yikes. Sometimes…I mean, you guys feel this, right? You depression/anxiety sufferers? Sometimes I just want to give up. I feel like I’ve been racing my hardest and I’m still being left in the dust. I wear myself so thin so often and it’s getting EXHAUSTING! Like, where is the relief? I guess some of my feelings are due to not having seen a therapist in a couple or three weeks and having some stressful stuff going on. But I just hate being caught in this mess. I don’t see a fucking therapist again until Monday. God. Days of suffering sit in between now and Monday. Like, you know what I mean? Doesn’t the constant fight ever get tiring? Don’t the revolving bouts of suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety and sleeplessness get to you eventually? It is SO hard to deal. Seriously. I’ve never made a suicidal attempt before, so I wouldn’t get too riled up about the hopelessness seeping from the lines of this essay…but man. I just get tired. I need to sleep. I need to talk to my therapist. I need…man, I don’t know. But when I feel like this, I pull away from people more…I assume I’m a burden. My loneliness shoves me further in the closet. Do you all know what I’m saying? That’s why I felt I had to get something out–anonymously. And I just have so much shit to do for school…all the shenanigans from this past semester left me with numerous incomplete assignments…which I am given the chance to finish, but it’s just so much. Yikes. Alright, I’m gonna sign off and do something completely inconsequential, I’m sure. That’s the worst part, too (for me at least); when I’m suffering from sleeplessness, I straight up can’t do anything productive. I just sit and obsess or eat. It’s bad. It sucks. Yeeeoooyy! I hate it.
Well, actually, I’m gonna make a quick couple of moves. I’m going to e-mail my therapist. And I’m going to look up requirements for school and see what kind of options I have in terms of lessening some of the stress on me right now. I guess that’s all I can do right now. And better I do that than sit here miserable for, I’M SURE, many hours. Ugghhh. I think I’m gonna try a new sleeping med tomorrow, and hopefully that one works better. And one more time: yikes!
Oh. And sorry for all the foul language…