So I am kind of having an “Oh shit” moment.
I just started dating a new guy and, you know, I have a lot of suspicions this could turn into something abusive.
I was originally going to title this post, “Is he sensitive or is he abusive?” And you know what, after refreshing my memory on the cycle of abuse with a few diagrams found on Google Images (thank god for the internet), I think I may have answered my question. Sometimes I wonder if I am paranoid that I’m being abused…but it might be that I just keep finding abusive people (which they say can happen with victims). Our first date, everything was great. He seemed like a very happy and caring guy. But as soon as our second interaction, things started getting bad. Unexpected (though not really coercive) sex…then the arguments. The arguments, the arguments, the arguments. I’ve only known him a week and we have been arguing a ton. He went out of town this weekend so I wondered, maybe he doesn’t do well communicating long-distance…or, he’s with his friends…he doesn’t want to bother with me, especially if we’re disagreeing. Maybe we’re so different (he’s an artist type…you know, they’re so off in their own world, or sensitive, or whatever, whatever <—sarcasm), we need to talk about serious things in person or, at the least, on the phone. But then weird comments started coming…and I do DEFINITELY have the “walking on eggshells” feeling. Comments like “You know how you are” (criticizing what he thinks is my constant communication) and now he doesn’t want to hang out with me on Monday, his original plan, because I had mentioned that maybe we’re incompatible. When I asked if we were going to hang tomorrow, he said, “Why with all the stuff about being incompatible, etc.?” He stops answering messages when he wants, and man, the arguing. I think that is key. I argued A TON with the guy who last abused me. I’m starting to get scared, but I’m also really happy that I can recognize the signs. I’m not saying for sure that this is the case, but I fear it is. I’ll stay vigilant and try to call on adults (seriously) for help. The other thing…I’ve been trying to bring up my past abuse with him and he keeps basically telling me to stop. He thinks I’m projecting my past experiences onto him. It’s (communication) getting impossible. That’s a bad sign. I had been raped before I was with the last guy whom abused me, and he didn’t like hearing about the rape either. Didn’t give a fuck. Only used the information to suit his purposes. Oh, and he also kind of has the perfect story to have developed into an abuser…left alone by his family (neglected, perhaps), no father figure, sisters with different dads who also aren’t around, and a mother who has experienced rape and probably other violence. It is bad.
Man. Again!? But like I said, I’m happy I can see the signs. REALLY happy.
It is hard having suffered emotional abuse in a past romantic relationship in terms of forming new romantic relationships. I think, justifiably, I am paranoid as fuck. Lol. I am afraid I’m being manipulated, that I’m not really liked, that I will be coerced into sex for his benefit and not mine, etc. And, of course, unfairly, this paranoid behavior may halt the development of a new relationship because it freaks new partners out. Buuuttt, listen up here, fellows: YOU NEED TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING. I was abused. That’s not my fucking fault. And you attaching words like “paranoid” and “presumptuous” to me is NOT HELPING THE SITUATION. And yes, is it my responsibility to heal myself after the circumstance that led to my clingyness? Yes, it is. But where is the sympathy? Where is the intuition? Why can’t you seem to understand that if I am acting like this, it is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of me? Help me out here, man. Because the last thing I need is to be told I’m crazy after I’ve been treated like shit by another of your sex.
**Obviously, there is a whole other side to this story, but this is a rant. And is, thus, one-sided. Sorry.
And the worst part is that I have not only suffered from this crazy-calling by men and prospective romantic partners. My own girl friends have said similar things, discounting the experience of being abused. And, in the field of abuse, sexual assault, mental illness, etc., you hear that people, many times, do not react in helpful ways to victims. And I know that. But I guess I have dealt with so much of this “CRAP” that I’m done! I’m done with it! Where are the fucking understanding people!? I’m sick of the excuses professionals in our field make up for people who say insensitive things. Stop being ignorant! (is what I would like to say sometimes).
So, yes, as the title states (if you can even see it…I’m having trouble figuring out where the title disappears to on a “photo” post), I am learning to value myself.
As I am figuring out, I am new to all this love stuff. And I was never really taught how to value myself, as strange as that may sound. My parents loved me, but I don’t remember them teaching me how to love myself. Maybe that’s not a parent’s job, anyway. But I’ve needed to learn it recently (though it’s more of a journey, I think, not a piece of information you memorize) because I haven’t been getting what I want in my love life. I want a relationship. I keep getting repeated hookups. Haha.
I’ve heard the past few years of my life things such as, “Ladies, value yourselves otherwise a man won’t.” Those things pissed me off. I thought, what the f***, I should just be treated with respect! Why should I have to guard myself!? Men are assholes! But, being a survivor of rape, and later, emotional abuse, I guess I ESPECIALLY had to be keeping a watch over myself. For whatever reason, I give in easily to people, I let people push me around, etc. And guys, or girls, or people of any gender, may take advantage of me if I don’t guard myself. I think I’ve been taken advantage of by friends, as well as lovers…it usually just hurts more when it’s lovers because of the greater level of investment and intimacy. I like to love without boundaries; but when I do that, people mistreat me (not always, of course). But I AM a sensitive person…I need to understand that about myself. Because…loving freely and being sensitive…they are kind of opposites. I can’t have both. And if I can’t “toughen up,” then I need to exercise some restriction over my behavior. It becomes a logical equation. Sensitivity and unbounded love do not yield the correct solution.
Also, as I discussed with my doctor the other day, women who have been abused and assaulted tend to become promiscuous after being victimized. I’d like to research the “why” of that more sometime, but we concluded that the “power” in sex becomes something we desire since our experiences left us feeling powerless. And forgetting that sex shouldn’t have to do with power, we may get caught up in acquiring sexual experience just for its sake…to gain the power we think is inherent in it. But for me…because I want intense love and security, sleeping around doesn’t work. And I am aware that even if I find a committed relationship sometime soon here, I might be cheated on. But I at least want to TRY for a deeper connection. It’s got to be better than (or different) from these surface level, “I barely give a shit about you” situations. I love deeply…it’s time I’m loved back.
So, yes, this is me. I am valuable, and I’m going to start treating myself like I am.
So…I’m figuring out I need to make a change. And it’s hard. I have a question for my few readers (or hopefully new readers!): How do you embrace change (if it concerns your behavior) without hating how you HAVE BEEN acting? Is this, like, a stage in the process of changing yourself? I’m sure I could read something about this (and may resort to doing so if I can’t find an answer for myself), but I would rather talk this out with people, hear their experiences, create my own answer. If I find out this self-hatred IS a step in the process…well, then I hate it, too. 🙂 And because my past behavior has led to unhappiness, it makes the self-beatings more likely, I guess. I would LOVE suggestions.
Again, I have not written in a while. School keeps me busy…somehow. I’m not really sure how since I barely do homework. And that’s not in a “I’m too cool for school” way, more like a “My anxiety is overpowering my ability to do it” way.
So, some updates. I’m completely off of medications for depression/anxiety, including natural supplements. I’m seeing how this goes. My depression seems do have dissipated, or even disappeared, which is good. My anxiety, though, is certainly holding on. I’m trying to read some books to help me deal with it. It’s hard to do stressful self-fixing while in school, where I’m already kind of “failing.”
Spring is sort of here where I live.
I thought I had an STD, which was awesome (not at all). I didn’t.
I’m making some friends on campus. Some. Like, a very few. And I only really hang out with them on an individual level. I don’t have a group of friends anymore…and that’s REALLY hard. I wouldn’t suggest it.
I don’t like partying anymore, so I really can’t wait to be out of this social arena. It’s not for me. Though, I’m not looking forward to traveling back to my hometown after I walk at graduation.
I’m thinking about going back to my old birth control pill. I think it did better things for me in terms of my mood, acne, etc.
I hate the mood swings that come with the monthly hormonal changes. (Thus, desiring changing birth control pills).
I tried a “studded” condom for the first time. Fuck. No. It hurt. Lol.
I left my dorm building once today, for less than five minutes. And the other times I left my room were to go to the restroom down the hall or walk my laundry to the basement, unable to do it because some dude hadn’t retrieved his wet laundry from the washers. One washer had one pair of boxers. I don’t want to know what was wrong with those boxers that they needed a washer all to themselves. Eeeuuh.
I have my second yeast infection in a two month period. Oww!
My dating life has been pretty unsuccessful and there have been some stupid shit heads I’ve had to deal with.
I’m finding out my psychologist is pretty conservative. Ugghhh.
I don’t know. I guess that’s it. Sorry. It’s a bit boring and not as well-written as I would like. I’m feeling weird.