Here I am again. After another failed relationship. What is going on!? There are many theories (created by me and others): I sleep with people too soon, I tell them too much about myself too soon, I’m using things like OkCupid and Tinder. I don’t know, but I am going to lose it. I am sick of this crap. I’m going to start going to a support group for survivors of domestic violence, I just picked up a bunch of self-help books from the library about emotionally violent relationships, and I am, sadly, going to start seeing my old therapist again. I don’t see her biggest contribution being to my romantic life, and I hope it is not. My last therapist insisted on telling me to take it easy with the dating, to stop sleeping with guys right away if I want a relationship. Yeah, thanks. Slut shame me a little more, MOM. But really, going back to my old psychologist, I expect to get help with my anxiety and support in getting the rest of my schoolwork done so I can finish up my undergrad degree and MOVE ON.
But anyway, dating. It’s been terrible. My mother said the other day, “No one you’ve met on OkCupid has been OK.” And, though it might be a bit of an exaggeration, it rings pretty true. Some people have been “OK,” but none of my relationships on it have been successful, which is my goal…and a few have been abusive! So, please. WHAT. And there is no way I’m going to take the blame for this. I’m going to read my self-help books, and if I find something in them that helps me understand my lack of dating success, then fine. But somehow, when therapists or parents or friends are telling me what to do with my dating life, I feel like they are trying to blame me for what’s happened to me. And it’s insane. I fucking hate it. I don’t fucking want to be told how to live my life! What happened to supporting people? I support. And I don’t know…maybe one of my self-help books or my old therapist or my interactions in the support group will give me a clue about why I’ve been unsuccessful…and maybe it’s something unhealthy going on with me because of the abuse or something…I don’t know. But all I can say is that I am over this! OVER. IT. (Not emotionally, obviously…but I’m fed up with it…REALLY).